How old would you be, if you didn't know how old you are?

A few days ago, I was procrastinating at work by reading a snippet of Richard Bransons new book; Screw Business as Usual. One of the questions he asked, a quote he cites as his favourite, is; "how old would you be, if you didn't know how old you are?" It's a packed question. I know it's quite simply based on how old you feel/act right now, right? But isn't that an ever-changing thing? When we were younger, we wanted to be older, as we get older, we yearn for our youth. If you're anything like me, you went straight to the happiest moments of your lives, you maybe even compared ad contrasted, weighed the pros and cons, to answer this question.

It's really quite a difficult question to answer. A mind over matter situation I think. So I closed my eyes, took stock of my mind and body and thought about it. Far removed from societal conventions of age and maturity - two things that we have established do not necessarily go hand in hand - I'd be "in my twenties". It's vague, it's open-ended but to me it makes sense. I've written about being 23, trying to figure out who you are, what you want, where you want to be, and who you want to be there with. Not quite as mature as you can be but certainly - or hopefully- more knowledgeable than you were in your teens. With more experience under your belt, you are able to tackle life in a way that you probably wouldn't have been able to in your teens. I'd be in my twenties because I still have many mistakes to make, and I look forward to making and learning from them. I'm enjoying my twenties... I'm enjoying the freedom, not so much the financial responsibility, but I'm discovering so much about myself, life, culture. The possibilities are endless in your 20s and you realise it, so (hopefully) you take advantage of that.
...

I've written and rewritten this post a few times already, each time citing 21 as the desired age. Obviously the fear of the latter part of one's twenties is rife in my life at the moment, so I'd say specifically, this end of my twenties- just on a loop. I'm enjoying it... Mainly...

Perfectly Imprefect...

Dear You,

How are you doing? Not so great? Feeling a bit down? Misunderstood? Out of place?

We're not so different, you and I? Sure, we grew up in different parts of the world. We experienced different kinds of ups and downs, but honestly, we felt about the same- always slightly hollow.

When I was much younger, I had a dog named Rambi (she started off as Rambo, named after a family favourite, but when we realised she was a she  we replaced the o with an i- fitting), she was one of my best friends. In all of her black, furry majesty. She loved everything, and everyone that I did. I talked to her a lot- she understood me. When she died, that deflated feeling returned. I fell in and out of friendships, I fell in and quickly out of like (often mistaken for something more). There was a kind of friendship that I wanted, but couldn't seem to achieve. I felt like people weren't fully me-savvy. Not a lot of people understood us, did they? Even now.... Obviously it's different, but there is a  familiar feeling lurking in the shadows of our subconscious, isn't there?

What's interesting about us, You, is that we've always been afraid, haven't we? We're only truly ourselves around a handful of people and it might be fair to say that within that handful, there are some that we are only 60% of ourselves around, leaving us with probably one person. Why is that? They'd never fully get it, would they? We'd just scare them off.

I see you're getting impatient. "Where is this going?", you're wondering. I just wanted to write to you, to let you know that it's absolutely fine to be who you are. You are not alone. There are so many of us out there. In fact, I think we make up a large part of the population.

In all of our glory- all of our distinguished, special, colourful glory. Don't turn your back on the person you grew up to be- or the child you once were because that never really leaves you, does it?

We're all flawed. Boy! Are we all flawed. Sure, there are parts of our personalities that we can improve on but completely change who you are? Don't you dare! You are You; Beautiful, strong, unyielding, aware that you are an unfamiliar being yet proud to not be like the rest. You are You! Exciting, smart, animated, one of us... Perfectly imperfect.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You never were, you never will be. And when you find that missing piece to your puzzle, you will know completion like never before. But that does not mean that you are empty now, we make up a large part of you- we, your family- it only means that there is even more harmony to experience, to look forward to.

I'm off now, I just wanted to let you know. I overheard you, down trodden, upset, defeated and I could not bare to let you carry on thinking that you are alone. You are not, you never were, you never will be. So smile, get back up. There are many obstacles to battle in this life, let your identity not be one of them.

Love,
Us...

23... Part 1

We were all so excited, weren't we? The prospect of hitting our 20's, no longer having to answer to our parents, no longer having to carry fake ID's around or go out with an obscene amount of optimism, knowing full well that the chances of us getting into that exclusive night club were next to none. Oh the naivety of being 12, 13, 16, 17... Counting down the months until that next big birthday that meant we were closer to our dream decade... Our 20's- home free! Free from the burdens of school, free from the restrictions of our allowances, in a steady job... Wasn't it all so ideal?

Not for the show itself, but for the portrayal of 20-something girls as hunters- of self-discovery, security, balance and clarity. 

And then it hits... You're in your 20's, you're not quite where 18 year-old you envisioned, you're probably even further away from where 21-year-old had hoped. And then it's like:

Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.

The Winter of Air via http://kalynroseanne.tumblr.com/

This is me at the moment. A rather underwhelming place to be- too young to not need my mummy and daddy, yet slightly too old to... That uncomfortable moment when you can feel like a foreigner in your own body and then in the next five minutes be the most aware you've probably ever been... A rock, me, the hard place.

23 is an awkward age. What I thought I went through in my teens, I'm currently experiencing: the quest to find myself- thoroughly. I don't think you ever fully discover yourself- which is slightly alarming yet beautiful; the idea that you are an ever changing- ever evolving (or devolving) being, but your 20's provide you with the opportunity to really study your characteristics, your appearance, your circle of friends and your interests and then make a more informed decision about who you are. The catch? It's not that straight-forward. What I'm finding is that I am constantly battling the different shades of me. At 23, this has become blindingly clear, I just wish it was a little more vivid at 21... The journey to discovery seems to have hit me at a slightly later stage than I had hoped. Or maybe I still nurse those naive expectations of where and who I thought I'd be at 23.